Press Releases Should Be Written This Way

Wahahahahhahaha. Pardon me, but I really can't help myself.
It was another slooooow Wednesday (which I believe is strongly underrated as the worst day of the week) in office, and I was supposed to be writing a press release. The product? Some about-to-be-launched cooking spray. Yippee.
The brief? "Highlight its convenience and versatility". Double yippee.
So I started tapping, tapping away on the keyboard...
And what started off as an uninspired headline and first few lines turned into THIS. Directly copied and pasted, enjoy! =D

Sunlico Cooking Spray Is The Best Sh*t That Ever Existed

Sunlico cooking oil recently launched cooking spray. This spray is targeted for busy people with no time. (As opposed to busy people WITH time?)

"Pouring oil the conventional way can be messy, especially if you're in a rush," says the Head Honcho of Sunlico as he reads from a prepared script. "But Sunlico TM Cooking Spray is much more convenient."

"The TM doesn't need to be read, sir." His assistant corrects him.

"Well, sor-ray. Anyway, like I was saying..."

"With Sunlico Cooking Spray, one quick spray is all it takes. The oil is spread evenly, ensuring your food is well-cooked to perfection."

The press applauds.

"Now that we've got that out of the way," he continues, naughty glint in the eye. "Let's talk about the REAL reason this spray exists."

"I-I would strongly advice against that, sir." His assistant stammers.

"Hush, you," he pushes her aside. "Now...consider yourselves fortunate. And check THESE out!"
Rip! Off comes his shirt to reveal a set of well-toned abs.

A collective hush sweeps through the room.

"Ever had trouble oiling yourself up...REAL...GOODDD...?" He strikes a pose. "Especially in those...you know, hard-to-reach spots?"

His assistant buries her head in her hands.

"Ooh yeah...light and easy...easy and light...Sun-li-co!" He prances around, whiffing a spray or two under his armpits. "WHO'S DA MAN NOW, HUH?"

A bewildered member of the press takes a snapshot, trembling. Then another. And another. Before they know it, the entire room is snapping away excitedly.

Wahahahahhahaha. I'm gonna be so dead if someone from office sees this.