Rock Paper Scissors

Yeah, Rock Paper Scissors...as in the gweiloh version of One Two Jus (or One Two Som, or Bao Jin Dap, or Ji Gu Pak, depending on your upbringing). We used it for deciding everything, from who the hantu would be to who got the allegedly biggest karipap, remember?

Recently I stumbled upon this site www.worldrps.com. Yyyyeah, you got it...RPS stands for Rock Paper Scissors. And you have a World RPS Society that has "served the needs of decision makers since 1918". Not to mention a (get this)...World Rock Paper Scissors Championship coming up in November in Toronto, Canada!

AGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Itsagameofplainluckluckluckluckluckluckluckluckluckluckluckluckluck

To my utter horror, the third most reliable information source on the Internet, Youtube revealed that this abomination of an event IS indeed real and has been going on for years. The website even features strategies and "gambit play" which actually make sense. Eat your hearts out, chess players!

"Contrary to what you might think RPS is not simply a game of luck or chance. While it is true that from a mathematical perspective the 'optimum' strategy is to play randomly, it still is not a winning strategy for two reasons. First, 'optimum' in this case means you should win, lose and draw an equal number of times (hardly a winning strategy over the long term). Second, Humans, try as they might, are terrible at trying to be random, in fact often humans in trying to approximate randomness become quite predictable. So knowing that there is always something motivating your opponent's actions, there are a couple of tricks and techniques that you can use to tip the balance in your favour."

See?! It. Actually. Makes. Sense!

"Rock paper scissors is not just a game of luck. At its core, rock paper scissors is all about conflict resolution. You use it decide who gets the last piece of pizza, who drives etc. Yeah, it's all about resolving conflicts in a peacful way, and making the world a better place, man."

- Some 2005 World RPS Championship finalist on the Youtube video I watched.

Say. It. Isn't. So.

Next you know, RPS becomes so massively popular that all the young people find it cool. Just because. Then it becomes an international sport. And you have your mafias and bookies backing it financially. Then they amass a small army. And voila! They take over the world. Before you know it, everything's being decided by One Two Jus...oops, I mean RPS.

Presidents are elected by a best two-of-three. Traffic lights? Try traffic RPS instead.
You won't need criminal courts any more. Nothing a friendly game of lat ta li lat ta li tam pung (three-way RPS) can't solve.

Judge: Mr. A, 20 witnesses saw you rob the bank. Your fingerprints, toeprints, tongueprints, and leopard prints were all over the crime scene. What do you say?

Mr. A: I challenge thee to a game of Lat Ta Li Lat Ta Li Tam Pung!

Lawyer: Objection!

Judge: Overruled! Show your hand at "Pung".

Lawyer: What?! You mean there's a chance I'LL get sentenced?!

Judge: ...tam pung! 20 years, you.

Think of the possibilities! Every bad decision you ever made in your life could be traced back to that single flick of rock, paper or scissors!

Son, don't repeat the mistakes I made. Every day of my life I regret stabbing that man with a pair of scissors 20 years ago. It seemed my destiny then.

I won't repeat your mistakes, Dad. RPS has shown me clearly my destiny. And it involves crushing people with rocks.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Of course that could never happen.
Not unless they get reeeeeal lucky, that is!