Saturday, April 30, 2011

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

May promises to be a month of ends. The end of my one-year ill-advised gym membership, my almost-two-year stress-inducing retainer copywriting stint at MCK Creative Resources, and the internship of 3 fun girls at Sakae Sushi. :D

As for today's story...this started off more as a dumb joke. I still don't fully consider it a story. It's just something I want to get out of my system as I continue re-learning how to write.

I...hope you enjoy it.

I always feel envious when I see couples holding hands.

There's just something insanely magical about the moment - their hands swinging as they walk, lightly brushing against each other by not-so-accident. Their faces register only a hint of coyness, barely detectable to the untrained eye. Knowingly, they gently bring their hands close, allowing him to slip his fingers around hers as she adjusts to fit snugly around him. Never once breaking in stride, they turn to each other with smiles only those who have been in love will understand, ecstatic in the fact that they belong to each other.

Ah, to love and be loved. How sweet it must be, to know that the one you adore feels the same way about you.

Why am I writing this? Because up till today, I never once held a girl's hand. Unless if you count dumb stuff like forming a circle or human chain during PE in school. It's ironic that you only get to do these things when you're young - too young for holding hands with a member of the opposite sex to matter.

So here, let me say it again - I have never held a girl's hand in a romantic manner.

Up till today, of course!

Her name is Kelly. I met her at a high school reunion, where we were the only two single people. Admittedly there may have been some other single people, but I didn't really care. All I remember was how well we connected that night. I never remember her being so chatty in school before. But there we were, laughing embarrassingly loud at each others' jokes, reminiscing about endless school stories that we never realised we shared, ganging up against the couples and even...flirting with each other?

The others kept teasing us, saying that we were secretly dating. To which Kelly vehemently denied and I played along. At last after continued annoyance, we gave in and made up far-fetched stories of how we got together. Now they were the ones groaning and rolling their eyes. Kelly and I slapped high fives and laughed some more.

At the end of the night, I walked her back to her car. Thankfully, she kept the silence at bay with questions about my work.

"Okay," she turned and smiled widely at me as we reached her car. "Thank you so much for accompanying me!"

"No problem."

"Bye! Good night!"

" have Facebook?"

"Yeah, sure! Add me. You can find me from Charles and Lee Fang's page."

"Okay. I will."

"Keep in touch!"

My heart smiled.

The next morning, I added her on Facebook. I had first wanted to add her the night before, but decided against it in fear of appearing desperate.

She approved me that very afternoon, and I waited a good twenty minutes before initiating our first chat. It went quite well, with us rehashing some of last night's jokes and shaking our figurative heads at the silliness of it all.

Unfortunately, I noticed that I was the one doing most of the talking. She seemed somewhat occupied.

The next day, we chatted for a while but she had to rush off somewhere. Oh well.

It was the same for the following few days. Sometimes she didn't even reply.

Gradually, I started feeling like just another online contact of hers.

What made me most frustrated was that she never once said hi first. It made things seem like a one-sided affair. I felt cheated. Didn't we share amazing chemistry together? How could she act as though nothing had happened?

One night I dreamed about walking with her along the beach, giving each other that knowing look. In my dream, our hands slowly slid into each other and we continued without a word.

Hand in hand.

I woke up with a feeling of utter happiness and contentment, only to snap back to reality. But still, the lingering feelings overwhelmed me.

I rushed online to look for Kelly. There she was!

Hi :), I said.

No reply.

Two minutes passed. Five minutes. Ten minutes. But her status still showed that she was Available.

Dejected, I went on Facebook and clicked on her profile.

Only to find her happily engaging in a conversation with another guy on her Wall.

There and then, I did the stupidest thing imaginable.

I called her, not sure what I wanted to say. And guess what - I said nothing. She put down the phone after several hellos, noticeably uncomfortable.

I tried calling to apologise that night, but again didn't know what to say. This went on a few times until she told me sternly not to call again.

Horrified, I left messages on her Wall trying to explain. I was never one for words, though. I think it came out as incoherent rambling.

Next I knew, she had removed me as a friend.

No matter how many times I called her, she refused to pick up.

Texts went unreplied. Emails, Facebook messages. All ignored.

Just 13 days ago, we sat side by side talking and laughing like best friends.

I even felt our hands brush against each other.

I was so sure.

Now, there was nothing left.

She tricked me.

But don't weep! This story does have a happy ending.

Remember how at the start I said that I held her hand today? I wasn't lying.

But of course you're wondering: if things turned out so badly for Kelly and I, how did I end up holding her hand?

I can be pretty resourceful, you know.

Kelly, I'm sorry it had to end this way. I miss chatting with you.

You were such a liar even till the end. I asked you whether you had feelings for me and you said yes. Just because I threatened you.

If you had feelings for me, why did you ignore me?

I'm glad I did it anyway. Now I won't need to be subjected to this agonising false hope any more. I should never have expected anything from you in the first place. I had no right to.

It was a one-sided affair from the start, and it still is.

Even your hand feels so limp in mine now.

Personally, I find holding hands overrated.